Are you like me?
The profound feeling of loneliness despite being surrounded by family and apparent friends?
You know that some people love, care, respect and admire you? However where are they when you really need them? Are they hiding until you ask for help, but someone like me who has become so self contained as a result of past experience, need those who can help tp make the first move and check on me.
I currently feel at a loss at which way to turn…i should be so content with my middle class life, family and aquantaces that I suffer as I feel I am supposed to. Modern life is not just keeping up with the Joneses, its showing your exquisitely perfect laundry in public, or social media as life now is not complete without showing a faciard of perfection and happiness.
I fly under the radar of social media, and hoped it would not affect me but it does…my life in which I would be absolutely delighted to have (and quite rightly, as I have a decent job, a lovely home in a village with a wonderful community and most importantly, 3 gorgeous boys who I love beyond imagination), however I am not a happy person.
Oustside pressure, coupled with a self deprecating personallity has led to me to where I am today. Something inside me has either died or is bureid so deep I am unable to locate it, but I get a sniff every now and again…i want to be me but I am not able to be.
Low self esteem from surrounding myself with people who used me as a friend and not realising what was happening through blind trust has led me into adulthood accepting how I have been treated as a norm…being apologetic, being submissive and the but of the joke including a nickname which now haunts me. I believed it was a term of endearment from a sibling actually turns out to be an underhand and derogatory insult on my character that has followed me into my forties from my teenage years.
It may seem I am after sympathy but that isnt the case, I have reached realisation that some people in my life, no matter how close they appear to be, take advantage of my kind nature.
In my past, I have had several instances of depression and I know, having had some very profound counselling that I know what makes me happy and what makes me, me! However, I allow people to tread all over me, ridicule my hobbies, likes and interests and make me feel worthless by playing on my vulnerabilities that in other relationships would be seen as quality.
There are lots of positives in my life, however I don’t see them…i grew up being happy with what I have got but what I have got/what I have to offer is not enough so I end up feeling inadiquate. I know what my capabilties are and where myt skills lie, but some people want and expect something different from me, they dont want me in fact they want me to be someone else who can do the things they want.
I have been manipulated by the person who I should be able to confide in the most, the person who has the power to protect my emotions and understand them. However this person has (unintentionally, possibly…hopefully) has ripped my faith in people apart and now I have nowhere to turn when I need help. During a breakdown, I was told to man up, snap out of it and get on with what you need to do by the person who whom I should have been able to rely on for love and support. Over time, I trust this person less and less with the knock on affect of not trusting others and even be suspicious of those who actually want to help.
I feel some attempts at reaching out to me are insincere, but there is one person who genuing seems interested in me, with complete impartiality which is nice.
Deep down I know who I am, what I like and what I desire for my future but the overriding fear of telling people fills me with dread.
Currently I am signed off work! I dont want to be but I am…i like my job, especially the team I work within. However it was my job that provided the catalyst for my latest breakdown. I have been at odds with some of my stakeholders who are reluctant to follow procvess which causing a risk to the business and more significantly for me, more work mopping up after them and putting out the fires the cause. Sounds fairly normal, but as much as I report and escalate about it the less is being done to pull them in line. This coupled with a brewing undercurrent in my personal life that exploded recently which should/could have been avoided has left me rock bottom. Not suicidal but at complete despair about my future. Not suicidal as I have way too much I love in my 3 wonderful children who give me hope and more unrequited love that I cant put into words, but despair that I may lose seeing them everyday. For them I want to pick myself up, be the person I know I can be and deliver on being the parent everyone tells me that I am.
My words may not resonate with everyone and will probably come in for some blanket criticism. That is not why I am publishing them…its to get my voice out there, its for me to be able to release the pressure and not feel judged by people I care about.
I know who I am, who I want to be…i just need an arena to share safely, anonymously and help me to process what is happening. I don’t need justification or approval but I would like to hear from anyone who is lost, lonely or in need of a non judgmental ear.
This is my way of rationalising the decisions I know I need to make so I can move forward and enjoy my life.
So far I have achieved the following since my wobble:
- being more relaxed around my kids
- smiling more
- digging my allotment…it is a real metaphor for my life, a complete mess that needs some attention and discipline
- listening to music, I have had The Smiths on while penning this diatribe…hahaha – music gives me so much pleasure and has helped so much
- breathe, I sit on the sofa watching TV feeling guilty that I should be doing something but I take a breathe and remember that at the moment I should be doing things for myself
- drive, how I want to and where I want to go
- making bread, I love this so much
- being present with my passions; my children, cooking, my football team (it helps that we are doing very well at the moment), gardening, movies and seeing my family.
All of these things are me and what I believe people who really know me would say are synonymous with who I was…and who I will be again.
Things I have been doing that I need to work on:
- drinking too much
- not sharing my feelings
- not showing my feelings
- not being open with some people – they need to regain my trusting
- putting my energy in bad ideas
- spending too much money
- not being with the people I love and I know just their presence would have a benefical effect on me (sorry, its been too long but I do love you, and I miss you)
Over time I will add to this, hoping that my words will provide encouragement to others who may feel lost or alone.
Contact me through the link with any questions, to reach out or just to say hi :).
Cheers
C.R Thomas